10 Things having a new boy has taught me

1.  Movies Lie.  If you've ever seen a movie or TV show that has a scene about child birth, you have been lied to.  It isn't the pretty, swaddled, choreographed dream you see with the "aww look at how perfect he is..."     He is beautiful, but because he's mine I feel that way.  Should he be yours, he would be a nasty purple lizard.

2.  Umbilical cords taste terrible.  I'm Totally kidding.  It really doesn't taste that bad... again, kidding.  It was alot tougher than I thought it was going to be to cut through though.  It would help if they didn't give you kindergarden art scissors to cut it.

3.  Sleep deprivation is much worse than waterboarding.  I haven't been waterboarded, but if I were being tortured and they made me stay up like this for days on end, I would tell them every important location they wanted, and if they let me take a long nap, I would drive them there.

4.   The delivery room is roughly 7 times the size of the recovery room (the room where you spend the next couple days.)  Imagine crawling in a cave of pink striped wall paper where you have to back out the way you came rather than turning around when you're in there. And you and your spouse are supposed to live there for two days. 

5.  You people can't drive.  I've been told that when you leave the hospital with the baby that you become a better driver.  This is true.  But I also have become much worse.  Before I drove with one hand on the steering wheel, the other on my phone, I didn't care about you.  Now, I have one on my steering wheel, the other on the horn.  If I had another hand, it would be used as sign language to accompany my newly discovered "Jersey" accent I've aquired.

6.  When you see the baby's head coming out the womb, it's not this pretty round beautiful thing.  It's a lumpy grey sack of golf balls. I had to ask the doctor if that was normal.  She could tell I was a little distressed.  

7.  Babies wait until you change their diapers to let out the REST of the poo.  And when people tell you "at least the poop in the first few days doesn't stink," they didn't have my son.

8.  When a baby boy is born, things are swollen.  That's was total buzz kill.  I was about to run out the delivery room yelling BOOYAH BABY.... Until the doctor told me that certain things would "shrink to normal size."  All the "he takes after his father" jokes I had forming were quickly fading.

9.  You don't have time between picking up the house, changing diapers, walking around with the baby hoping he falls asleep, and visiting with people that drop by to even personally go to the restroom.  I'm thinking about wearing a diaper myself and just change his and mine at the same time.  Wouldn't be the first time...

10.  My wife is superwoman.  Period.