These are quick tips for anyone that has a friend who has children. I wish I would have known this long ago. I’ll pass it along none the less…
1.) If your friends get a baby sitter, it means they want to go out and party like its 1999. They want to take the night and go to a make believe realm where they’re back in college and have no responsibilities and their friends are crazy party animals. They want to wake up and have a new tattoo that says “best night ever.” Can you cram dinner, a movie, ice cream, dancing, riding a mechanical bull, hanging out at friends’ houses, playing games, and another movie into ONE night??? That’s what they want to find out, and if you punk out because “you’re tired” they will have ZERO sympathy for you. Too tired… you don’t KNOW what “too tired” is. And they just forked over serious cash so someone else can watch their offspring. This is the night they’ve been waiting for. Step up to the challenge because if you don’t, the next time they have two free hours in their month they’re not going to spend it with you.
2.) Not all of your friends have a good looking baby. It happens. The most important thing is to keep your facial expressions to a minimum. Before you go see them and the baby, prepare your face. In the next few minutes you may see the next Gerber baby model OR a tiny hairy troll. Your eyes are the biggest tell. Your soft, slightly squinted eyes with a tilted head means “awww…he/she is soooo cute!” While large eyes with a raised brow and a drawn back head means “ oh my gosh you have just given birth to Gollum.”
For instance: The following facial expression is probably not good.
Regardless, if you find yourself face to face with an ugly baby, the following phrases are great for deflecting:
Look, it’s a baby!!
Oh he looks just like you…
He/she is just so tiny.
The next few phrases are not acceptable:
What is it?
My gosh you have a hairy baby.
Why your baby’s eyes are are so far apart?
At least he doesn’t have jaundice.
3.) On a similar tangent, your friends may call their new baby something totally ridiculous. When you find out the name, no matter WHAT it is, keep your facial expressions to a minimum and your comments to yourself. Yes, “Rizicatu” is the WORST name EVER. But when you hear it, try not to show that you hate it. Here’s something you can say in the moment that will hopefully clarify what the heck they were thinking:
Oh, that’s unique. Is that a family name?
This gives them a chance to explain their stupid thinking. If at the end it STILL doesn’t make sense, just say “cool” and make fun of them later. This is personal for me. We named our son Rowen. One of my friends when he heard that said “Isn’t Rowen a girl’s name?” No one has seen him since that day. (and since I’m a forensic scientist, no one ever will…. )
(on a side note, do not bring up that you had “Lemonjello” and “Orangello” in your class when you were young. That story is old and stupid and false. If you find yourself right now saying “no I totally did have them in my class”, please stop reading and close this window. You are no longer my friend.
4.) Some people get upset when their friends with children keep telling really boring stories about what their child did today. “Timmy then said “uh oh, my truck go voom. Hahaha… isn’t that great?!” I used to be one of those people that would roll my eyes and walk away from my friends when they told stories like that. Now I totally understand. The only reason they’re telling you that is because LITERALLY, that’s the most interesting thing that happened this week. It’s difficult to squeeze quality conversation out when the only adult interaction you have is when you’re watching the Wiggles. If you find yourself trapped in the vortex of boring Timmy stories, start laughing and bring up something the two of you did in the past.
I.e. “Timmy then said “uh oh, my truck go voom.”
You interrupt them and say "HAHAHA… that reminds me of the time when you and I were trapped in that elevator for three hours… "
Which will then allow y’all to recount the fun memory you had together while simultaneously diffusing the boring story bomb.
5.) There’s a good chance your friend’s house is not clean. If you happen to just drop by unexpected, try not to judge. Feel free to help pick up.
6.) Your friends new bed time is probably 9:30 to 10:00. Do not call after that.
