I'm typing this at 1:00 am because I'm up. Every few minutes I go back and put the pacifier back in my daughter's mouth so she won't wake up my wife. We're both operating on very few hours sleep and it's my turn to try to let Heather sleep. For some reason at night I become far more honest. This is the result of my honesty.
Parenting fail # 1: Teaching my son to pee in the potty.
It's to the point where my son is old enough to start potty training. I've read the books, looked on line, bought the stupid attachment that goes on the toilet, sung the songs about pee peeing in the toilet, actually took him in and dumped the poop from his diaper in the toilet and said "that's where the poo poo goes." Nothing prepares you for the frustration that goes along with potty training. The other day was the worst though. I have been trying a new approach. When I have to pee, I take him into the bathroom with me and "show" him what it looks like for a boy to pee pee in the potty. That's where it went terribly... terribly wrong. In the middle of my "stream of urine" as we will say, I said "look buddy, pee pee in tha potty." He looked up at me and seemed to understand. I mean, he even repeated "pee pee in da potty." But... the problem occured when he reached for the stream. He lurched forward with his open hand to grab the stream of urine. What was I to do but react? I tried to reach down and grab his arm and push it away. I tried turning away from him. The problem was I didn't "turn the faucet off" as it were... I looked like a grown man having a seizure at the toilet with all the flailing about. Urine. went. everywhere. I'm a 30 year old man who peed all over his toilet, bathroom floor, and partly on the vanity. My son was amazed. "WHOA! Daddy PEE PEE!"
No son... that's not how you do that. But yes, I'm totally blaming you for this.
Parenting fail #2: My son is in this phase where he pinches and slaps me for no reason. He starts shaking his head like he is about to burst and then runs at me and hits me. At first I was all "no son, don't hit daddy." Today I broke. Maybe it was the lack of sleep, maybe it was that the only thing sustaining me was caffiene, but I broke. He jumped on the couch, looked at me lovingly, then hit me open handed across the ear/cheek. I slapped him HARD on his thigh and said "NO WE DON'T HIT IN THIS HOUSE!" I could see that for a two year old he was having trouble comprehending the paradox I had created by saying and doing that at the same time.
Parenting fail #3: Sometimes I tell my wife and children that "daddy needs to potty." Heather doesn't like when I tell her that, but she's gotten used to it. Either way... I don't have to potty. Sometimes I go into the bathroom and sit on the side of the tub so I can have a few, just a few minutes all to myself. I take deep breaths... I check my phone... Sometimes I strech... For the briefest of moments I have "Paul time." And I don't feel guilty about it.
Parenting fail #4: I don't know if this is a fail on my part or what. But if I can't figure a way to correct it it will CERTAINLY be a fail. My son is in this phase where he runs up to me and hugs my legs briefly then walks away. The problem is he doesn't let go of my pants when he walks away. He has COMPLETELY "pants" me four times in the past couple days. ("Pants" to those that don't know, is when someone yanks your pants down exposing underwear) I can't wear shorts or pajama pants with confidence in my own house anymore. I have to wear jeans with a belt. This could REALLY end poorly for me. Dear Jesus, please let him pass through this phase quickly, without incident and emotional damage to me. Amen.
Parenting fail #5: I lie to my kids all the time. I now know why Santa and Toothfaries were invented. It was to shut kids up. Where are we going?? We're going to the store. Oh you don't want to go to the store? Oh, you're crying now... Screaming now. Oh... Ok... in that case we are going to the candy shop! Yay!! you're totally excited now. Now I can buckle you in your car seat without you freaking out again. So guess where we're going NEXT time we're getting in the car?? We're going to find THOMAS the TRAIN! I KNOW!! I'm as excited as you are. Because if I told you we were going to get a hair cut you would turn into a solid board of a human, and everyone knows that you can not buckle a solid board into a car seat if it doesn't want to be buckled in.
Parenting fail #6: I feel into the same ole "I totally want 6 kids" thing. When I was newly married I wanted to literally have a small workforce of children. Maybe four biological, adopt three. We'll see.. I mean.. I just LOOOVE kids.
I have two now and have contemplated a vasectomy. How people have 6 kids is beyond me. A friend of mine had triplets and I'm pretty sure that would be equal to water boarding me. I'm not losing weight because I'm working out all the time, it's because by the time I get yours ready, I don't have time to eat. Man cannot live on bread alone?? I've made so many peanut butter and jelly sandwiches over the past couple months that I'm thinking of buying that jar that has them already mixed so I can cut down on some serious time. Gives me more opportunity to sit on the side of the tub and sigh....
