Berry Family Gathering Agreement
On this day (______,2011), I ____________(state your name) understand that a family gathering will happen in the unforseen future. I therefore, willingly or unwillingly agree to the following terms and conditions as stated:
I. I will not compare myself to any of my siblings in any of the following ways
A. Intelligence. Though mother has deemed one child as "the smart one," each sibling will refrain from calling this person "the smart one" even though that person continues to remind everyone of the title. Test scores mean Jack. Therefore, we will each agree to discontinue the use of the following words or statements:
1. "Actually" When one uses the word, it implies that what was just stated is in fact, wrong, stupid, and childish and will now be corrected. For instance: "Did you know that the sky is blue?" "ACTUALLY, the sky is not blue, it's simply white light filtered and refracted where blue is the only color we see..." Ooooh look, look how smart you are. I wish I could be that smart.
2. "Intelligence ORB" This was a failed attempt to quantify one's intelligence. ORBs would be hypothetically worn above a person's head like those creatures in SIMS computer games. If one had a large ORB, he was deemed smart, if one had a small ORB he was deemed my brother... It only failed when Paul's wife asked Paul if he thought his ORB was larger than hers. Paul should have replied quickly but instead paused, ensuring an arguement would be near.
B. Creativity. We shall all agree we are all creative in our own right. Just because one person was deemed "the creative one" by our mother does not imply that all creative genetics were passed in one conception. Yes, one sibling when asked about her day can instantly contrive a story about ninjas and butterflies that has everyone sitting at the edge of their seats. But that doesn't mean that the rest of us have no creative juices. We just think art is stupid.
C. Athletics. We all agree that "in our day" we were all amazing athletes. Those days are behind us now. We are Berrys. We probably shouldn't be even discussing this. We watch the Biggest Loser and think "I can SO do that..." Yeah, that's not something we should be saying.
D. Humor. Paul is "the funny one." End of story.
II. I will refrain from using key words or phrases that I know will cause fights including:
A. Instinctal. (Also used as Instinctive) I know from previous experience that Paul will freak out if this word is uttered. He used it one time inadvertantly and people will NEVER LET IT GO. Do you remember the last time? Dishes were thrown, streams of words were put together that didn't make sense, he went missing for days. Don't use it in jokes. They aren't funny.
B. Get off your butt and help me. Never once in the english language has that phrase EVER caused anyone to truly get off their rump and offer aid. Rather, it causes the inverse reaction which usually starts off with "Shut your face!! I've already done more than you have all day."
C. You ruin EVERY %$@# Christmas!! This one is mainly for Mom. Yes, holidays stress you out. Please refrain from letting it get to you where you throw this phrase out, again... Cursing at your children can never be erased from their memory. See Christmas 2001, 2003, 2004, and 2010. Lets make this the year...
III. We all agree now, before the remainder of the Berry children are born that we will not:
A. Get "Berry Family Reunion T-shirts. Family T-shirts are creepy and tacky. Gross
B. Go on any more family vacations. Does anyone remember Ireland? Screaming in the airport like red-kneck white trash morons... all about 50 bucks. How airport security didn't arrest us BEYOND comprehension. They were problably glad to rid us from their country.
C. Go on any more family vacations. This one needed to be said again. Does anyone remember Colorado ski trip? Screaming in the condo like cold red kneck white trash morons in the snow... Brutal.
This is a legally binding contract. Ask the family lawyer, she'll tell you.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Sunday, April 3, 2011
I'm that stupid
I recently took the GRE. I took many practice GRE exams and each one came back basically telling me I'm not as smart as I think I am. That's a pretty hurtful realization. It was confirmed when I took the ACTUAL GRE exam. I didn't do terribly bad, but I did bad enough to where I got up, walked out, and immediately bought a "regular" coke -not diet- and a bag of tear and share M&Ms. (I did not share)
Here's a little food for thought: A recent study showed that 80% of people believe they are smarter than most of the people around them. 80%.... This brings about two thoughts.
1.) 20% of people thought to themselves "ya know, I'm probably stupider than most of the people around me." That's kind of sad right? Who would say that? Even if you thought you weren't the brightest crayon in the box, you would certainly look around and say "well I gotta be smarter than THOSE guys..." Bad self esteem, party of one, your table is ready.
2.) Clearly 80% of people CAN'T be smarter than most of the people around them. It's a mathmatical impossibility. If you don't realize that, it's because you are in the 20%... don't get your feelings hurt.
Anyway, I took this test thinking I could wing it and do pretty well. I would like to blame my scores on having graduated college seven years ago and just being "a little rusty", but that wass obviously not the problem. The problem is that I have no vocabulary. I was going to say I have no vernacular, but that would be pretentious. Some of the questions on this test looked like this:
Find the antonym to the following word
Blagotivational
A. Herpatomival
B. Zappatoe
C. Pip
D. Dogmitavion
Not only do I not know what the word means, I don't know the meaning of the answer choices either.
Another question looks like this:
Analogies...
Mouth is to Tree as:
A. Bird is to Knot
B. Chair is to Tissue
C. Hip is to Hop
D. Herpatomival is to Dogmitavion (see previous question for meaning)
What?!?!? Keep in mind, you only have 15 seconds to answer each question. So then I start justifying my answers. Well, I wouldn't put my mouth on a tree... or so I wouldn't put a bird on a knot. Oh dear lord, I'll just come back to this one...
If I wanted to have someone tell me I'm stupid, I would just go to more family reunions. But it adds a little to have someone quantitate your stupidity though. "Hello, Mr. Paul, you are _____ % dumb."
I almost expected the computer to have a follow up question after the test: Please type the name of your school again, we need to have that school audited.
The test kindly reminds me that I can take the test again in a month. Hey guys, there's NO WAY I will increase my skilz enough to make a difference. And my ego can't take the hit again in a single calendar year. I need it to be built up again by my wife telling me "I love you no matter how stupid you are...." Gee thanks, babe. I feel better already. Pass me the M&Ms.
Here's a little food for thought: A recent study showed that 80% of people believe they are smarter than most of the people around them. 80%.... This brings about two thoughts.
1.) 20% of people thought to themselves "ya know, I'm probably stupider than most of the people around me." That's kind of sad right? Who would say that? Even if you thought you weren't the brightest crayon in the box, you would certainly look around and say "well I gotta be smarter than THOSE guys..." Bad self esteem, party of one, your table is ready.
2.) Clearly 80% of people CAN'T be smarter than most of the people around them. It's a mathmatical impossibility. If you don't realize that, it's because you are in the 20%... don't get your feelings hurt.
Anyway, I took this test thinking I could wing it and do pretty well. I would like to blame my scores on having graduated college seven years ago and just being "a little rusty", but that wass obviously not the problem. The problem is that I have no vocabulary. I was going to say I have no vernacular, but that would be pretentious. Some of the questions on this test looked like this:
Find the antonym to the following word
Blagotivational
A. Herpatomival
B. Zappatoe
C. Pip
D. Dogmitavion
Not only do I not know what the word means, I don't know the meaning of the answer choices either.
Another question looks like this:
Analogies...
Mouth is to Tree as:
A. Bird is to Knot
B. Chair is to Tissue
C. Hip is to Hop
D. Herpatomival is to Dogmitavion (see previous question for meaning)
What?!?!? Keep in mind, you only have 15 seconds to answer each question. So then I start justifying my answers. Well, I wouldn't put my mouth on a tree... or so I wouldn't put a bird on a knot. Oh dear lord, I'll just come back to this one...
If I wanted to have someone tell me I'm stupid, I would just go to more family reunions. But it adds a little to have someone quantitate your stupidity though. "Hello, Mr. Paul, you are _____ % dumb."
I almost expected the computer to have a follow up question after the test: Please type the name of your school again, we need to have that school audited.
The test kindly reminds me that I can take the test again in a month. Hey guys, there's NO WAY I will increase my skilz enough to make a difference. And my ego can't take the hit again in a single calendar year. I need it to be built up again by my wife telling me "I love you no matter how stupid you are...." Gee thanks, babe. I feel better already. Pass me the M&Ms.
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