Random Thoughts

Cross Fit People are Annoying (sorry if you are one, but you needed to know)

Chances are if you have a friend who does Cross fit, you’re tired of hearing about it.  People who do Cross fit love it, and they let you know they love it, daily.  Look I like to work out as much as the next gym rat, but I don’t tell people about it all the time.  What’s interesting about Cross fit people is they don’t hear the ridiculousness of what they’re saying.   

“Lemme tell you about this work out I did yesterday… We had to climb up a 20 foot rope, tie the rope around just one ankle and hang upside down.  Our partner would alternate throwing up a 25 pound greased pig and a medicine ball made of used nails.  Once we caught the pig and balanced ourselves, we had to do a vertical sit up, drop the pig/ball of nails back down to our partner and start again.  In the beginning of the work out they light the bottom of the rope on fire so you have to get done before the fire catches up to your ankle…”

Whaaa?  Pass

Then they start speaking in code.  I’m sure it means something, but it just sounds like they’re having a stroke.  “Dude, in my WOD we totally did AMRAPs of MP, PSN, SDHP, and a few TGUs.  Not only that I PRed today.  I’m so stoked”

“Thanks man.  I appreciate knowing that.  But as you can see, I’m standing at a urinal right now, and this conversation is prohibiting me getting to the purpose of my standing at said urinal.  Maybe we could continue this later?”

BEDTIME

When I get in bed I like to have the air conditioner turned to “FREEZE OUT” then pull heavy blankets all the way up to my neck and get warm under the covers.  It doesn’t really make sense.  I guess I could just not have the air on so low, but for some reason that’s how I like it.  I will inevitably get too hot and have to let one (just one) foot/leg out from underneath the covers.  I feel like if that one leg cools down enough I can put it back under the covers and repeat the pattern until I fall asleep. 

Speaking of that.  My wife and I have been married almost 8 years.  We were together 4 years before that.  In the 12 years we’ve known each other I have knowledge of her farting twice.  Both times she was sleeping in bed.  (She’s gonna be pissed at this one).  The first time she farted we were married for almost a year.  I was watching TV and she was asleep.  I heard a noise that didn’t come from me or the TV and was confused… Then I smelled it.  It wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t ME.  I put it together.  SHE DID THAT.  I woke her up and was like “Hey… Hey babe…  You smell that???  Yeah, that smell… That was YOU!!! HAHAHAHA”

She was none too happy.  “Did you REALLY just WAKE ME UP to TELL ME THAT?!?!?”  I didn’t think it was that big of a deal, but we had a conversation the next morning about it.  Apparently it was a big deal.  That talk will pale in comparison to the talking to I'll get when she reads this.

Man, your kids are BAD 

It’s really easy to know how to discipline someone else’s kids.  If you’re at someone else’s house and you see their kids act up, it is SUPER easy to say, “Well what you need to do in this situation is put them in the corner and tell them they are in time out.  Then if they won’t obey you give them three hard (but not too hard) swats on the leg and tell them they need to behave.  Tell them they cannot leave the corner until they are ready to apologize.” 

Then you have your own kids and realize none of that bull crap works. 

My son could play by himself with his train set for hours.  Grab a book and “read” the pages (which is just him remembering what I said when I read him the page) while Jake and the Neverland Pirates plays softly in the background.  Awww  Look how sweet he is.  I love him so much.  He is such a blessing.

Then a friend stops by and all hell breaks loose.  He becomes the Tazmanian Devil throwing everything he can possibly get his hands on.  “OOOOoooo what’s in the purse of the guest that showed up to our house??  Let’s find out by grabbing it and running down the hallway while I hold it upside down ensuring all the contents fall out over the course of 30 feet.  Well then what's all these fun white wrappers??  Looks like TOYS to me!”

Why do I look like I don’t know what to do here you ask??  Because this DOESN’T happen every day… If this happened even ONE TIME prior to this day, I would have an idea what to do.  But this is a new and fresh hell.  Go ahead and put him in the corner.  Then put him back in the corner.  Then put him back in the corner.  Then put him BACK in the corner.  THEN PUT HIM BACK IN THE CORNER.  GET IN THE CORNER.  GET BACK IN THE FREAKING CORNER!  (spank spank spank… cry..cry…cry)  “No, you can’t get out the corner until you are ready to apologi… HEY!  Get back here and GET IN THE CORNER!!!!   If I only spanked my child 1 out of every 15 times he does something bad it would STILL be child abuse.

 You can be sure some demeaning comment is coming from people who believe themselves to be child psychologists.  “He’s just testing you to find your limits.” 

Well that’s a horse of a different color.   All is well with the world now.  I’d like to know more about my child’s behavior patterns in a bit.  Right now I have to stop him from jumping from the couch to the ottoman like a flying squirrel. 

If you're chubby and you know it clap your hands

I hate diets.  I know it’s psychosomatic, but if I just SAY I’m on a diet I get SUPER hungry for no reason.  My stomach will literally growl if I think about a diet.  I can’t listen to genetically skinny people tell me how I should eat.  I was dang near a 10 pound baby.  My mother said I would cry all the time when I was a baby because she couldn’t produce enough milk to feed me as much as I wanted to be fed.  That love for food continued throughout my life.  No, what I want is to talk to the FAT guy who lost a bunch of weight.  THAT guy knows where I’m coming from.  Bro, clearly you LOVE food.  I can tell by the excess skin hanging off your arms.  But you lost weight.  Tell me what you did.  I can listen to that. 

I work out at LA Boxing.  It’s funny that around this time people show up to the gym and want to get beach ready.  I do the same thing though.  My pattern is all about numbers though.  I think, “Ok, I have a beach trip in two months.  I want to lose 20 lbs before my trip.  That means 10 lbs a month, 2.5 lbs a week.  That’s attainable.”  Then a month goes by and I’m pretty much the same weight.  “Ok, I have a beach trip in a month.  I need to lose 20 lbs this month.  That’s 4 lbs a week.  That’s attainable.”  Then a week out I’m like, “I have a beach trip next week.  I need to drink ONLY water for the next seven days.  Maybe one cracker for nutrients…”

 This pattern will repeat itself for each new occasion.  “Ok my reunion is in four months.  I need to lose 20 lbs.  That’s 5 lbs a month.  Roughly one lb a week.  That’s attainable.”

So in summary

Have a discipline problem with my children, don’t like to work out, really don’t like to hear how others work out, like a cold bedroom, need to lose 20 lbs before pool party in August.  That’s attainable.   

Parenting Fail

I'm typing this at 1:00 am because I'm up.  Every few minutes I go back and put the pacifier back in my daughter's mouth so she won't wake up my wife.  We're both operating on very few hours sleep and it's my turn to try to let Heather sleep.  For some reason at night I become far more honest.  This is the result of my honesty. 

Parenting fail # 1:  Teaching my son to pee in the potty.
It's to the point where my son is old enough to start potty training.  I've read the books, looked on line, bought the stupid attachment that goes on the toilet, sung the songs about pee peeing in the toilet, actually took him in and dumped the poop from his diaper in the toilet and said "that's where the poo poo goes."  Nothing prepares you for the frustration that goes along with potty training.  The other day was the worst though.  I have been trying a new approach.  When I have to pee, I take him into the bathroom with me and "show" him what it looks like for a boy to pee pee in the potty.  That's where it went terribly... terribly wrong.  In the middle of my "stream of urine" as we will say, I said "look buddy, pee pee in tha potty."  He looked up at me and seemed to understand.  I mean, he even repeated "pee pee in da potty."  But... the problem occured when he reached for the stream.  He lurched forward with his open hand to grab the stream of urine.  What was I to do but react?  I tried to reach down and grab his arm and push it away.  I tried turning away from him.  The problem was I didn't "turn the faucet off" as it were... I looked like a grown man having a seizure at the toilet with all the flailing about.  Urine. went. everywhere.  I'm a 30 year old man who peed all over his toilet, bathroom floor, and partly on the vanity.  My son was amazed.  "WHOA!  Daddy PEE PEE!" 
No son... that's not how you do that.   But yes, I'm totally blaming you for this.

Parenting fail #2:  My son is in this phase where he pinches and slaps me for no reason.  He starts shaking his head like he is about to burst and then runs at me and hits me.  At first I was all "no son, don't hit daddy."  Today I broke.  Maybe it was the lack of sleep, maybe it was that the only thing sustaining me was caffiene, but I broke.  He jumped on the couch, looked at me lovingly, then hit me open handed across the ear/cheek.  I slapped him HARD on his thigh and said "NO WE DON'T HIT IN THIS HOUSE!"  I could see that for a two year old he was having trouble comprehending the paradox I had created by saying and doing that at the same time.

Parenting fail #3:  Sometimes I tell my wife and children that "daddy needs to potty."  Heather doesn't like when I tell her that, but she's gotten used to it.  Either way... I don't have to potty.  Sometimes I go into the bathroom and sit on the side of the tub so I can have a few, just a few minutes all to myself.  I take deep breaths... I check my phone... Sometimes I strech... For the briefest of moments I have "Paul time."  And I don't feel guilty about it.

Parenting fail #4:  I don't know if this is a fail on my part or what.  But if I can't figure a way to correct it it will CERTAINLY be a fail.  My son is in this phase where he runs up to me and hugs my legs briefly then walks away.  The problem is he doesn't let go of my pants when he walks away.  He has COMPLETELY "pants" me four times in the past couple days.  ("Pants" to those that don't know, is when someone yanks your pants down exposing underwear)  I can't wear shorts or pajama pants with confidence in my own house anymore.  I have to wear jeans with a belt.  This could REALLY end poorly for me.  Dear Jesus, please let him pass through this phase quickly, without incident and emotional damage to me.  Amen.

Parenting fail #5:  I lie to my kids all the time.  I now know why Santa and Toothfaries were invented.  It was to shut kids up. Where are we going??  We're going to the store.  Oh you don't want to go to the store?  Oh, you're crying now... Screaming now.  Oh... Ok... in that case we are going to the candy shop!  Yay!! you're totally excited now.  Now I can buckle you in your car seat without you freaking out again.  So guess where we're going NEXT time we're getting in the car??  We're going to find THOMAS the TRAIN!  I KNOW!! I'm as excited as you are.  Because if I told you we were going to get a hair cut you would turn into a solid board of a human, and everyone knows that you can not buckle a solid board into a car seat if it doesn't want to be buckled in.

Parenting fail #6:  I feel into the same ole "I totally want 6 kids" thing.  When I was newly married I wanted to literally have a small workforce of children.  Maybe four biological, adopt three.  We'll see..  I mean.. I just LOOOVE kids.
I have two now and have contemplated a vasectomy.  How people have 6 kids is beyond me.  A friend of mine had triplets and I'm pretty sure that would be equal to water boarding me.  I'm not losing weight because I'm working out all the time, it's because by the time I get yours ready, I don't have time to eat.  Man cannot live on bread alone??  I've made so many peanut butter and jelly sandwiches over the past couple months that I'm thinking of buying that jar that has them already mixed so I can cut down on some serious time.  Gives me more opportunity to sit on the side of the tub and sigh....