Thursday, May 30, 2013

Random Thoughts

Cross Fit People are Annoying (sorry if you are one, but you needed to know)
Chances are if you have a friend who does Cross fit, you’re tired of hearing about it.  People who do Cross fit love it, and they let you know they love it, daily.  Look I like to work out as much as the next gym rat, but I don’t tell people about it all the time.  What’s interesting about Cross fit people is they don’t hear the ridiculousness of what they’re saying.   
“Lemme tell you about this work out I did yesterday… We had to climb up a 20 foot rope, tie the rope around just one ankle and hang upside down.  Our partner would alternate throwing up a 25 pound greased pig and a medicine ball made of used nails.  Once we caught the pig and balanced ourselves, we had to do a vertical sit up, drop the pig/ball of nails back down to our partner and start again.  In the beginning of the work out they light the bottom of the rope on fire so you have to get done before the fire catches up to your ankle…”
Whaaa?  Pass
Then they start speaking in code.  I’m sure it means something, but it just sounds like they’re having a stroke.  “Dude, in my WOD we totally did AMRAPs of MP, PSN, SDHP, and a few TGUs.  Not only that I PRed today.  I’m so stoked”
“Thanks man.  I appreciate knowing that.  But as you can see, I’m standing at a urinal right now, and this conversation is prohibiting me getting to the purpose of my standing at said urinal.  Maybe we could continue this later?”

BEDTIME
When I get in bed I like to have the air conditioner turned to “FREEZE OUT” then pull heavy blankets all the way up to my neck and get warm under the covers.  It doesn’t really make sense.  I guess I could just not have the air on so low, but for some reason that’s how I like it.  I will inevitably get too hot and have to let one (just one) foot/leg out from underneath the covers.  I feel like if that one leg cools down enough I can put it back under the covers and repeat the pattern until I fall asleep. 
Speaking of that.  My wife and I have been married almost 8 years.  We were together 4 years before that.  In the 12 years we’ve known each other I have knowledge of her farting twice.  Both times she was sleeping in bed.  (She’s gonna be pissed at this one).  The first time she farted we were married for almost a year.  I was watching TV and she was asleep.  I heard a noise that didn’t come from me or the TV and was confused… Then I smelled it.  It wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t ME.  I put it together.  SHE DID THAT.  I woke her up and was like “Hey… Hey babe…  You smell that???  Yeah, that smell… That was YOU!!! HAHAHAHA”
She was none too happy.  “Did you REALLY just WAKE ME UP to TELL ME THAT?!?!?”  I didn’t think it was that big of a deal, but we had a conversation the next morning about it.  Apparently it was a big deal.  That talk will pale in comparison to the talking to I'll get when she reads this.

Man, your kids are BAD 
It’s really easy to know how to discipline someone else’s kids.  If you’re at someone else’s house and you see their kids act up, it is SUPER easy to say, “Well what you need to do in this situation is put them in the corner and tell them they are in time out.  Then if they won’t obey you give them three hard (but not too hard) swats on the leg and tell them they need to behave.  Tell them they cannot leave the corner until they are ready to apologize.” 
Then you have your own kids and realize none of that bull crap works. 
My son could play by himself with his train set for hours.  Grab a book and “read” the pages (which is just him remembering what I said when I read him the page) while Jake and the Neverland Pirates plays softly in the background.  Awww  Look how sweet he is.  I love him so much.  He is such a blessing.
Then a friend stops by and all hell breaks loose.  He becomes the Tazmanian Devil throwing everything he can possibly get his hands on.  “OOOOoooo what’s in the purse of the guest that showed up to our house??  Let’s find out by grabbing it and running down the hallway while I hold it upside down ensuring all the contents fall out over the course of 30 feet.  Well then what's all these fun white wrappers??  Looks like TOYS to me!”
Why do I look like I don’t know what to do here you ask??  Because this DOESN’T happen every day… If this happened even ONE TIME prior to this day, I would have an idea what to do.  But this is a new and fresh hell.  Go ahead and put him in the corner.  Then put him back in the corner.  Then put him back in the corner.  Then put him BACK in the corner.  THEN PUT HIM BACK IN THE CORNER.  GET IN THE CORNER.  GET BACK IN THE FREAKING CORNER!  (spank spank spank… cry..cry…cry)  “No, you can’t get out the corner until you are ready to apologi… HEY!  Get back here and GET IN THE CORNER!!!!   If I only spanked my child 1 out of every 15 times he does something bad it would STILL be child abuse.
 You can be sure some demeaning comment is coming from people who believe themselves to be child psychologists.  “He’s just testing you to find your limits.” 
Well that’s a horse of a different color.   All is well with the world now.  I’d like to know more about my child’s behavior patterns in a bit.  Right now I have to stop him from jumping from the couch to the ottoman like a flying squirrel. 

If you're chubby and you know it clap your hands
I hate diets.  I know it’s psychosomatic, but if I just SAY I’m on a diet I get SUPER hungry for no reason.  My stomach will literally growl if I think about a diet.  I can’t listen to genetically skinny people tell me how I should eat.  I was dang near a 10 pound baby.  My mother said I would cry all the time when I was a baby because she couldn’t produce enough milk to feed me as much as I wanted to be fed.  That love for food continued throughout my life.  No, what I want is to talk to the FAT guy who lost a bunch of weight.  THAT guy knows where I’m coming from.  Bro, clearly you LOVE food.  I can tell by the excess skin hanging off your arms.  But you lost weight.  Tell me what you did.  I can listen to that. 
I work out at LA Boxing.  It’s funny that around this time people show up to the gym and want to get beach ready.  I do the same thing though.  My pattern is all about numbers though.  I think, “Ok, I have a beach trip in two months.  I want to lose 20 lbs before my trip.  That means 10 lbs a month, 2.5 lbs a week.  That’s attainable.”  Then a month goes by and I’m pretty much the same weight.  “Ok, I have a beach trip in a month.  I need to lose 20 lbs this month.  That’s 4 lbs a week.  That’s attainable.”  Then a week out I’m like, “I have a beach trip next week.  I need to drink ONLY water for the next seven days.  Maybe one cracker for nutrients…”
 This pattern will repeat itself for each new occasion.  “Ok my reunion is in four months.  I need to lose 20 lbs.  That’s 5 lbs a month.  Roughly one lb a week.  That’s attainable.”

So in summary
Have a discipline problem with my children, don’t like to work out, really don’t like to hear how others work out, like a cold bedroom, need to lose 20 lbs before pool party in August.  That’s attainable.   

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Parenting Fail

I'm typing this at 1:00 am because I'm up.  Every few minutes I go back and put the pacifier back in my daughter's mouth so she won't wake up my wife.  We're both operating on very few hours sleep and it's my turn to try to let Heather sleep.  For some reason at night I become far more honest.  This is the result of my honesty. 

Parenting fail # 1:  Teaching my son to pee in the potty.
It's to the point where my son is old enough to start potty training.  I've read the books, looked on line, bought the stupid attachment that goes on the toilet, sung the songs about pee peeing in the toilet, actually took him in and dumped the poop from his diaper in the toilet and said "that's where the poo poo goes."  Nothing prepares you for the frustration that goes along with potty training.  The other day was the worst though.  I have been trying a new approach.  When I have to pee, I take him into the bathroom with me and "show" him what it looks like for a boy to pee pee in the potty.  That's where it went terribly... terribly wrong.  In the middle of my "stream of urine" as we will say, I said "look buddy, pee pee in tha potty."  He looked up at me and seemed to understand.  I mean, he even repeated "pee pee in da potty."  But... the problem occured when he reached for the stream.  He lurched forward with his open hand to grab the stream of urine.  What was I to do but react?  I tried to reach down and grab his arm and push it away.  I tried turning away from him.  The problem was I didn't "turn the faucet off" as it were... I looked like a grown man having a seizure at the toilet with all the flailing about.  Urine. went. everywhere.  I'm a 30 year old man who peed all over his toilet, bathroom floor, and partly on the vanity.  My son was amazed.  "WHOA!  Daddy PEE PEE!" 
No son... that's not how you do that.   But yes, I'm totally blaming you for this.

Parenting fail #2:  My son is in this phase where he pinches and slaps me for no reason.  He starts shaking his head like he is about to burst and then runs at me and hits me.  At first I was all "no son, don't hit daddy."  Today I broke.  Maybe it was the lack of sleep, maybe it was that the only thing sustaining me was caffiene, but I broke.  He jumped on the couch, looked at me lovingly, then hit me open handed across the ear/cheek.  I slapped him HARD on his thigh and said "NO WE DON'T HIT IN THIS HOUSE!"  I could see that for a two year old he was having trouble comprehending the paradox I had created by saying and doing that at the same time.

Parenting fail #3:  Sometimes I tell my wife and children that "daddy needs to potty."  Heather doesn't like when I tell her that, but she's gotten used to it.  Either way... I don't have to potty.  Sometimes I go into the bathroom and sit on the side of the tub so I can have a few, just a few minutes all to myself.  I take deep breaths... I check my phone... Sometimes I strech... For the briefest of moments I have "Paul time."  And I don't feel guilty about it.

Parenting fail #4:  I don't know if this is a fail on my part or what.  But if I can't figure a way to correct it it will CERTAINLY be a fail.  My son is in this phase where he runs up to me and hugs my legs briefly then walks away.  The problem is he doesn't let go of my pants when he walks away.  He has COMPLETELY "pants" me four times in the past couple days.  ("Pants" to those that don't know, is when someone yanks your pants down exposing underwear)  I can't wear shorts or pajama pants with confidence in my own house anymore.  I have to wear jeans with a belt.  This could REALLY end poorly for me.  Dear Jesus, please let him pass through this phase quickly, without incident and emotional damage to me.  Amen.

Parenting fail #5:  I lie to my kids all the time.  I now know why Santa and Toothfaries were invented.  It was to shut kids up. Where are we going??  We're going to the store.  Oh you don't want to go to the store?  Oh, you're crying now... Screaming now.  Oh... Ok... in that case we are going to the candy shop!  Yay!! you're totally excited now.  Now I can buckle you in your car seat without you freaking out again.  So guess where we're going NEXT time we're getting in the car??  We're going to find THOMAS the TRAIN!  I KNOW!! I'm as excited as you are.  Because if I told you we were going to get a hair cut you would turn into a solid board of a human, and everyone knows that you can not buckle a solid board into a car seat if it doesn't want to be buckled in.

Parenting fail #6:  I feel into the same ole "I totally want 6 kids" thing.  When I was newly married I wanted to literally have a small workforce of children.  Maybe four biological, adopt three.  We'll see..  I mean.. I just LOOOVE kids.
I have two now and have contemplated a vasectomy.  How people have 6 kids is beyond me.  A friend of mine had triplets and I'm pretty sure that would be equal to water boarding me.  I'm not losing weight because I'm working out all the time, it's because by the time I get yours ready, I don't have time to eat.  Man cannot live on bread alone??  I've made so many peanut butter and jelly sandwiches over the past couple months that I'm thinking of buying that jar that has them already mixed so I can cut down on some serious time.  Gives me more opportunity to sit on the side of the tub and sigh.... 

Friday, November 9, 2012

Religion and Politics

Generally my posts are meant to be light hearted and humorous.  That’s true for both my Facebook account and this blog.  But this one is a little different.  This one is more of an open view of my opinions as of late and not meant to bring humor.  Sorry to disappoint.  It also has a lot to do with my personal perspective of the combination between my Christianity and my politics.  So if you aren’t one to discuss either, then know that I will not be upset in the slightest if you decide to quit reading now.  Seriously...

The first thing that I have been disappointed in with this election is the lack of civility when it comes to disagreements.   I have a friend at work that could not be a more polar opposite to me.  If I say yes, he says no.  If I am A, he is Z.  But we can have completely civil conversations while we’re sitting at lunch.  He knows that I disagree with almost everything he says, and the feeling is obviously mutual.  We usually leave lunch laughing at each other and how stupid we think the other person’s viewpoints are.  We also know that there are significant differences in our views and that despite our best efforts we will not arrive at some common ground.   There isn’t a compromise between our beliefs that we could reach that will make both of us happy.  The thing is, we can have lunch the next day and talk about fantasy football with each other.   I feel like with this election, the vitriol spewed from both sides is not done in a manner that is constructive in any way.  It’s as if keyboard warrior trolls have decided it’s their purpose in life to intentionally cause strife and discontent.  And don’t mistake my lack of aggression for lack of passion.  I am very passionate about what I believe.  I just know that in the many many times I have debated friends about policy, not one time has ANYONE EVER listened to talking points and decided to change their mind.  If anything, people will go home and Google information on how I was wrong, and then start again at tomorrow’s lunch.  So I ask:  Is the intentional provocation by disrespectful memes or posts necessary…?  Do they serve a purpose other to inflame your opponent…?  Then why be a troll? 
I don’t feel like it has simply been Democrats and Republicans attacking each other.  It’s also been passionate third party people attacking the two party system under the pretense that “you people are fools and sheep who continue voting this antiquated two party system.   You need to get informed about the issues and vote Ron Paul, idiots.”  Is this assuming that anyone who votes one of the two parties is simply not informed, and once they do get informed, they will obviously see how foolish they’ve been and switch to the third party??  A friend of mine is deeply entrenched in politics and pointed out to me that there isn’t a party out there that will most likely represent ALL of your values and beliefs, but inevitably you have to choose the one that MOST represents your values.
But most importantly, the one that bothers me the most in this past election has been when Christians attack other Christians on the grounds of “which party more accurately has the heart of Jesus in this election.”   Would Jesus rather teach the people a parable about working hard and storing up food like the ants, or feed them himself with bread and fish?  Would he heal the sick by telling them all they had to do is get up, or would he tell them there is something they should do first before they are healed like the lepers?  Would he favor one Christian value over the other?  If so, which one?  Usually the posts presented by my Christian friends are followed by a verse from the Bible emphasizing the point they’re making.  Are there other verses that say the opposite of what THAT verse just said… Yeah, but the verse they chose to use is clearly better… sure yours is stupid…
I don’t know the "Jesus" answer to the following questions, but since this is my blog, I’ll simply give my opinion on what I interpret the Jesus answer to be…

The first thing and obviously most passion generating issue is that of abortion.  I have some friends who say that abortion is the product of a demographic comprised mainly of the poor and that rather than address the issue of abortion, we should address the issue of safe sex and that in some communities sex is a means of currency or personal value.  My wife and I have worked many years in the poorest neighborhoods in Baton Rouge and I can tell you, this argument is valid.  Women in certain demographics are without question only valued on the basis of what they will do sexually for men.  This inevitably leads to pregnancy, and often abortion.  But my main issue with this point is that it doesn’t address the product of the problem:  a life that was ended because of a choice of someone else.  I work in forensics and my job often entails analyzing evidence for the presence of the person that performed a homicide.  Blood on the knife blade matches the victim; DNA on the handle of the knife matches the suspect.  Case closed.   For some time now I’ve been “the abortion guy” at the crime lab.  Not for my views, clearly, but rather because when an abortion case came into the lab I was the guy who had to identify the body of the fetus, take a sample, and see if the suspect could have been the father of the fetus.   Regardless of whether the person had a legal abortion, the act of the 30 year old impregnating the 16 year old is statutory rape, and will be prosecuted as such.  I have analyzed fetuses ranging from 6 weeks to 7.5 months.   I can tell you this-- When you’re looking at an aborted fetus, and you decide to cut off a portion of the finger of the fetus to obtain a DNA profile, to me there is NO question whether or not that was a life.  It was a life, and I just removed her finger.  There was one time that I received a 7.5 month old fetus in six parts:  Two arms, two legs, a torso, and the remnants of a crushed head.  This was homicide in its worst form.  My wife is seven months pregnant and I can see my daughter moving around in there like she’s practicing Brazilian jiu jitsu.  The fetus I got in six parts was farther along than my daughter is now.  I don’t say this to inflame someone, but none the less I feel it in the depths of my heart, you cannot have the heart of Jesus and think that is acceptable.  For any reason.  
The obvious next step is contraceptives.  I don’t know how I feel about that.  Honestly I don’t.  From a Christian perspective, I don’t see how it’s God honoring to provide the necessities to those who choose to have premarital sex.  Is it practical in today’s society?  Yeah it is…  From a logical, non-Christian standpoint, providing the ability to prevent unwanted pregnancy in the first place is better than a subsequent abortion.  But does that make it right?   
Homosexuality.  This is a tough issue for me.  In Louisiana I merely KNEW a couple gay people, but weren’t close friends with them.  But when I moved to Austin, Texas, I had very close friends who were gay.  My only perspective of gay people prior to that was the stereotypical flamboyantly gay man on TV who threw out “fabulous” more times than acceptable in any conversation.   But when I moved to Austin, I had a greater understanding of the gay community.  When you grow up in the south, you almost have the perspective they people are just choosing to be gay to be annoying.  But that is a stupid, stupid thought.  Much like my coworker now, my gay friends knew I was Christian and new what I believed, but they also knew that I wasn’t going to be swinging the King James Version at them like I was swatting away flies.  The issue of homosexuality is more difficult for me because from a NON-CHRISTIAN perspective I cannot think of ANY reason not to allow them to marry whoever they choose.  I can’t think of a constitutional reason not to allow them to marry either.  If I weren’t a Christian, I would probably be a champion of gay rights.  But there’s the rub… The Bible is unequivocally clear about homosexuality and how God doesn’t tolerate it.   Friends have said that Jesus himself never said anything about homosexuality.  This is true, except for that Paul in the Bible did, and “all scripture is God breathed and is useful for teaching, correcting, training and rebuking so that the man of God will be equipped for every good work.”  (Timothy).  So Jesus did not directly state it, but the Holy Spirit did, and that’s the same.   Does this mean that I’ll take it upon myself to be the champion of ending gay marriage?  No.  But when someone asks me my opinion on the subject, I have to acknowledge to myself that nowhere in scripture did God tolerate homosexuality.  The cliché is often used, “love the sinner, hate the sin.”  This is as close to my view as I can get.

I have many friends who will say that the Democratic platform is far more geared to helping the poor.  I think this is totally correct.  The number of programs aimed at helping the poor far outweigh those from the Republican or Libertarian programs.  This is a source of frustration for me.  Again, my wife and I worked in super poor areas of Baton Rouge and can attest that some people DO NOT get the same chance at success as others.   This is directly the result of generational patterns.  These are patterns where school is not as important as simply finding a meal for the day.  Where the ability to solve for X makes no difference when you come home and you don’t know where your parents are or if they’re coming home today.  But it’s not just “education” that makes it difficult, but the current system of welfare.  Most of my friends don’t understand the welfare system at all, but know that they do not like the idea of going to work when someone else can stay home and collect a check.  I would challenge people to understand the welfare system and see its pros and cons.  For instance, if you stay home you collect 350 dollars a week in welfare (just for number reasons 350).   If you find a job which pays 351 dollars a week, you can’t be on welfare.  Now, assuming you find a job that does pay 351 dollars a week, you still have to find a way to get to work (bus, but people are trying to cut the public transportation system beyond repair) pay the ticket for riding the bus (money that now comes out of your 351 dollars a week).  So by the end of your 351 dollar job, you have now spent more getting to work than you would have made simply sitting home and collecting a check.  Now, this is a "for instance," and not meant to be seen as the typical.  But it’s one of many issues the poor deal with daily.  Again, my issue overall is that programs for the poor should exist.  I wish that the republican platform would include more programs that help the poor.  Republicans will say that they want to “reform” programs like this, but again, people throw out things like “we should reform welfare and not just let people buy huge plasma TV’s with my hard earned dollar.”  This is true, reform is necessary.  What most don’t understand is that the government says you get so much to live on per month.  If you don’t spend it, you have to give it back.  I don’t know ONE friend of mine that would say “you know what, I got 1000 dollars to live on this month, but I only needed 500.  Let me give the rest back...”  NO WAY.  Every one of us would have immediately gone to Best Buy and bought the TV and Xbox.  Don’t lie.  Reform is necessary, but ridicule for the choices they make is foolish given that most don’t understand the reason behind the choices.  It's the same with the State, use it or lose it.  Well then, I think I'll use it... On whatever I think is "valuable."
Regardless of the level of "poor," the choices people make should never contradict the word of God.  If you are poor and can’t afford a child, or simply became pregnant because of a choice you made, that does not mean you can blame the abortion of the child on a faulty premise that this is a product of a terrible environment and unfair socio-economic status.  As a Christian it is OUR JOB to help the poor.   Jesus DID explicitly say that helping the poor is a clear responsibility of the Church.  Is it the government’s responsibility?  I believe it is to an extent.  A government like ours that can spend billions to trillions on aid to other countries has very little excuse for allowing a child to suffer because of the choices of the parents.  Or allow a sick person to die because they can’t afford medical insurance.  I think that many of my friends who are against social programs would be far more in favor of them if they knew the money was being spent wisely.  Here is the major issue for me; better, wiser use of government taxes for social programs.  But more importantly than the issue of whether to raise taxes to help the poor is the fact that the CHURCH that should be the one stepping up and making the difference in these communities, NOT the government.  But since the church isn't doing it to the extent that it is needed, what else can be done?  
There are numerous issues that I don’t feel like going into here.  I just feel like recently I’ve been really disappointed in the maliciousness exhibited by my friends with regards to the election.  What’s funny is that some people that read this will think “Yeah, those morons need to know when they should keep their mouths closed and not offend people.” 
And the cycle will continue.
I'm off my soapbox.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

A means of venting

Some people have a friend they vent to.  Someone they trust enough to sit there and listen to all the stupid greivances that have happened in the recent past.  Sometimes this blog is that for me. 

In the past month or so I have done some introspection, some soul searching.  After careful evaluation, I have decided there is nothing wrong with me... It's all the stupid people around me that are the problem.  We're not talking about the Bill Engval "here's your sign" type people.  We're talking deliberate stupidity.  Willing stupidity.  How can one EXPECT me to stay sane when you're purposefully causing my blood pressure to rise?

For instance
1.  contractors, repair men, cable guys, utility companies... These are the only professions where it is okay to just NOT SHOW UP.  Friday night the air condition in our house went out.

Me:   "Oh, its extra charge for you to come out and fix the air during the weekend??  That's fine.  How much will it be?"
Him:  Well sir, with the drive, the gas, the parts, the air conditioner evaluation... that will be roughly...Your first born child. 
Me:  "And if I just wait until Monday?"
Him:  Well sir, that would be one tenth the cost.
Me:  "I shall wait til Monday then.  I have gotten attached to my son."

There are a couple things that came to my attention during the weekend.
  1. 1.   I have NO IDEA how people lived in an era without AC.  Call me a weenie, I don't care.  Our house got up to 94 degrees inside.  "Back in MY day all we had was open windows and maybe, just maybe an attic fan."  Congrats.  You are more of a man then me.  I felt like I was at enemy interrogation center.  Couple more hours and I would have told them the location of the supply lines for the soldiers.  I digress.
  2.  I'm not sure how babies continued to be made without AC.  I know where they come from, but in 94 degrees, while lying in my bed in a pool of my own sweat, that was the LAST thing I thought about.  Heather and I had the agreement:  don't even touch each other.  Not a pinky toe.  Especially my furnace of a wife. I almost slept in the truck just to be away from her body heat. 

Monday comes, and the air conditioner repair man says "I'll be there somewhere between 8am and 5pm."  Well... thanks for narrowing that down for me.  Shall I wait in my hot box for you?  Between 8 and 5?  I can't imagine telling my boss "I will be at work somewhere between 8 and 5, so... see ya then."    
12:00 rolls around.  "I'll be there in an hour."
2:30 I call him...  "On my way, 20 minutes."
3:45 I call him and don't get an answer. 
4:30 he shows up, looks at the AC, "I need to go pick up a part."

ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!  I will STAB YOU!!! 

He shows back up at 5:30, spends five minutes doing, I don't know, a sudoku, and is done.  AC is working.  If you are THAT good, where you can fix this joker in FIVE MINUTES, and clearly you are the Good Will Hunting of AC work... WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG TO GET HERE?  Why could you not tell time?   Aaaaahhhhh...

The second group of people that are consistently annoying me are those that are SERIOUSLY political.  I don't mind people that have a political opinion, in fact, I feel you should be aware of the issues at hand and be able to make a decision based on facts, values, opinions... whatever.  But my word... EVERY post on your facebook, EVERY conversation you are involved in inevitably turns political... BUT since this is MY post, I will voice MY opinions on the subject:
     1.  Obama is not the antichrist.  I do not agree with most of his policies.  I will not be voting for him in the next election.  But my word... every post??   EVERY POST??  These people cannot control the urge to interject their opinions into EVERY conversation regardless of whether it even makes sense to do so.  For instance:  
       Me:  Man, the air condition went out in my house this weekend. 
       Them:  That's because Obama is selling your house to the Chinese.
        Me:  Yeah, wait... what? 
       
And it's always followed by how it's legit because Fox News did a story about it...  which brings me to my next problem.
    2.  Every news agency is BRUTALLY BIASED.  I just want there to be a news station that truly covers unbiased news.  And before you say something like "CNN is pretty unbiased."  No... No they're not.  Take the following fictitious story.
             
       With the world in financial crisis, some countries have been selling their weapons to war torn countries, allowing those countries to slowly and ominously build their arsenals.  President Obama has stressed that the world needs to come together to prohibit these actions from happening.  He stated that diplomacy must be the means by which action is to occur.  Republicans feel he is moving too slowly and innocent men, women, and children are being killed while sanctions are having little effect.

Here's the titles for the BREAKING NEWS on the following news stations
NBC:  Obama comes to the rescue to rid the world of weapons.
Fox News:  Obama hates babies and turns his back while innocent die.
ABC:  Obama  heals the sick and casts out demons
CBS:  Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are engaged.  Millions suffer.

Same news story, very different takes on reality. 

I've been watching too much Dexter lately.  Each time I watch Dexter I think "well, I'm a forensic scientist.  This is not that hard to do."
Creepy thought pattern, I know.  But sometimes I find myself aimlessly shopping online for a boat. 

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Advice for if your friends have children

These are quick tips for anyone that has a friend who has children.  I wish I would have known this long ago.  I’ll pass it along none the less…

1.)  If your friends get a baby sitter, it means they want to go out and party like its 1999.  They want to take the night and go to a make believe realm where they’re back in college and have no responsibilities and their friends are crazy party animals.  They want to wake up and have a new tattoo that says “best night ever.”  Can you cram dinner, a movie, ice cream, dancing, riding a mechanical bull, hanging out at friends’ houses, playing games, and another movie into ONE night???   That’s what they want to find out, and if you punk out because “you’re tired” they will have ZERO sympathy for you.  Too tired… you don’t KNOW what “too tired” is.  And they just forked over serious cash so someone else can watch their offspring.  This is the night they’ve been waiting for.  Step up to the challenge because if you don’t, the next time they have two free hours in their month they’re not going to spend it with you.
2.) Not all of your friends have a good looking baby.  It happens.  The most important thing is to keep your facial expressions to a minimum.  Before you go see them and the baby, prepare your face.  In the next few minutes you may see the next Gerber baby model OR a tiny hairy troll.  Your eyes are the biggest tell.  Your soft, slightly squinted eyes with a tilted head means “awww…he/she is soooo cute!”  While large eyes with a raised brow and a drawn back head means “ oh my gosh you have just given birth to Gollum.” 
For instance:  The following facial expression is probably not good.



Regardless, if you find yourself face to face with an ugly baby, the following phrases are great for deflecting:  
        Look, it’s a baby!!  
       Oh he looks just like you…  
       He/she is just so tiny.    

The next few phrases are not acceptable: 
      What is it? 
      My gosh you have a hairy baby. 
      Why your baby’s eyes are are so far apart? 
      At least he doesn’t have jaundice.
3.)  On a similar tangent, your friends may call their new baby something totally ridiculous.  When you find out the name, no matter WHAT it is, keep your facial expressions to a minimum and your comments to yourself.  Yes, “Rizicatu” is the WORST name EVER.  But when you hear it, try not to show that you hate it.  Here’s something you can say in the moment that will hopefully clarify what the heck they were thinking: 
       Oh, that’s unique.  Is that a family name? 
This gives them a chance to explain their stupid thinking.  If at the end it STILL doesn’t make sense, just say “cool” and make fun of them later.  This is personal for me.  We named our son Rowen.  One of my friends when he heard that said “Isn’t Rowen a girl’s name?”  No one has seen him since that day.  (and since I’m a forensic scientist, no one ever will…. )
 (on a side note, do not bring up that you had “Lemonjello” and “Orangello” in your class when you were young.  That story is old and stupid and false.  If you find yourself right now saying “no I totally did have them in my class”, please stop reading and close this window.  You are no longer my friend.
4.)  Some people get upset when their friends with children keep telling really boring stories about what their child did today.  “Timmy then said “uh oh, my truck go voom. Hahaha… isn’t that great?!”  I used to be one of those people that would roll my eyes and walk away from my friends when they told stories like that.  Now I totally understand.  The only reason they’re telling you that is because LITERALLY, that’s the most interesting thing that happened this week.  It’s difficult to squeeze quality conversation out when the only adult interaction you have is when you’re watching the Wiggles.  If you find yourself trapped in the vortex of boring Timmy stories, start laughing and bring up something the two of you did in the past. 
     I.e.  “Timmy then said “uh oh, my truck go voom.” 
      You interrupt them and say "HAHAHA… that reminds me of the time when you and I were trapped in that elevator for three hours… "
 Which will then allow y’all to recount the fun memory you had together while simultaneously diffusing the boring story bomb. 

 

5.)  There’s a good chance your friend’s house is not clean.  If you happen to just drop by unexpected, try not to judge.  Feel free to help pick up.

6.)  Your friends new bed time is probably 9:30 to 10:00.  Do not call after that. 

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Not meant to be funny. Just an observation.


Apparently I’ve gotten old.  I didn’t even realize when the transition occurred, but I’m confident it’s happened.  When you’re young, you look at your parents and think “there’s no way they were ever cool.”  Then as you get older, you hear them tell radical stories of their youth and ask yourself “Well, when did you decide to give up on having fun?”  I understand now.  It’s not as if you break down and tell yourself that you have to hang up your hat.  It’s a slow fade that goes mostly unnoticed. If you’re like me, you have a moment in time that you have a self evaluation and come to the conclusion:   well…apparently I’ve gotten old.  There was no greater example of this realization than this past weekend.

I have a core group of guy friends that try to get together as often as possible to hang out.  Some of the guys I’ve been friends with since elementary school.  The group grew in numbers in both junior high and high school.  Four of us all went to college together and were roommates and housemates.  We picked up a few extra guys in college to complete the man-group.   There are about 8 of us total.  Like most college guys, we did STUPID things constantly.  I can truly say if not for the protection of God, we would all mostly likely be dead. 
Examples: 
-There were times where we were driving down the interstate and one of us would hang out the window and try to open up the door to the car next to us.  Aw, dude, you almost had it, try again!  Look at the expressions on their faces… priceless.

-Going down the interstate and need a CD, but the guys in the car next to you have the CD… not a problem.  Edge your cars close enough to each other and pass it across.  Slow down you ask?  No.. Make it happen at 75mph.

-We built a potato gun that was incredible, but we didn’t want to fire it outside cause we lived in a neighborhood.  SO, we got a pizza pan and taped it to the bathroom door.  The plan was that we would use a ball of wet paper towels as our first bullet.  The THEORY was that we would fire the ball of wet paper towels at the bathroom door and have the pizza pan catch it.  What we didn’t realize was the FORCE the wet paper towels would have when shot out of a potato gun.  When it hit the pizza pan, it bent the pan into a bowl and shot the pan through the bathroom door, hitting the cabinets in the bathroom and breaking them into shards.  In-credible!  Let’s do it again.  You’d think that we would have taken the hint, but nope.  We shot it through the bathroom door about 20 more times.  There was a giant 3 foot hole in the door by the time we got done.  No worries.  We just hung a towel up over the hole.  Hey, we were five guys in a one bathroom house.  Privacy?  Overrated.

-We lived on a VERY steep hill, I would say probably 40-45 degree decline.  One day we decided that we needed to see if you could make it down the hill in an office chair.  The thing is, you could make it MOST of the way down the hill, but at some point you would be traveling too quickly for the tiny office chair wheels to keep up, so you’d go tumbling over in a crash suitable for nascar.   The goal was to make it farther down the hill before you crash than the other guys did.  Stupid, but FUUUUN.

Anyway, during college and slightly post-college we would get together for “Man trips” or “Man weekends.”  The goal was to find new and more ridiculous things to do.  This came easy with the amount of alcohol that was consumed during these trips.  One time we went to a local bar and by the time we left our bar tab was 1400 dollars.  To this day we can’t understand how some of us didn’t die.  By the end of the night the shots were just straight Wild Turkey and Vodka.  (And that was without my addition to the tab, as I had stopped drinking alcohol after college).  Guys would take a shot, SLAM the shot glass down on the table, make a “Tim the tool-man” kinda yell and demand to know what’s next.  One guy always ended up without a shirt somehow, one guy would unnecessarily curse all the time, one guy would throw up no matter what.

But NOW.  Now our man-trips are completely different.  We’re all married and most of us have AT LEAST one kid.  Now instead of going to concerts and possibly getting in a fight, we go tubing down a lazy river.  In place of the conversations about the hot chicks we met, it’s about our kids or our 401K.  “Yeah, she just learned to crawl.  It’s the cutest thing ever.”  “Your son looks just like you, man.”  “Oh, we’re thinking of having kids within the year or so.”  “Well my company will match my 401K contribution up to 6… “Really man, ours only matches up to 4.. You got it good.” 

Most of us don’t have the quintessential cigar because our wives don’t like us to stink when we come home.  Before it would be around 11 o’clock before we even left to go out.  NOW by the time its 11 o’clock, some of us start fading and yawning.   No one is willing to go to bed first for fear of being made fun of, but pretty much everyone is thinking about it.    When we go to the token bar, everyone just has a couple beers rather than 15 beers a piece.  In place of straight vodka, the shots are mainly fruity and have really feminine names.  “We’ll have seven apple plinkies, please.”   No one throws back the shot and yells out anymore.  It’s more like a slow sip and then gently setting the shot glass down, hoping and begging no one orders another. 

We all want to seem like we haven’t changed, but the reality is that we have.  Before it was more important to DO something crazy, but now it’s fun just to hang out with those guys. The old cliché is true, it doesn’t matter what you do so long as you like the people you’re doing it with.   It’s kinda funny to think that one day my son is going to grow up and think that his dad is SUCH a BORING guy…   Son, I’m not boring, I just decided to give my guardian angel a much needed break.

Monday, July 11, 2011

M-PMS

I am currently having MPMS (male PMS).  People say men can’t have PMS, but they’re wrong.  Men may not go through the physiological cycle, but they clearly go through the emotional cycle.  I’m not talking about crying during a commercial about Huggies pull ups (although the only commercial where a man is allowed to cry is that commercial with the homeless dogs and cats where Sarah McLaghlin is singing in the background… that commercial is BRUTAL).  I’m talking about the “I'm MEAN, everyone is STUPID, give me CHOCOLATE or get out my way” kind of cycle.  I totally understand “that time of the month” now.  There is NOTHING you can say that will make me feel better.  I just want to be alone. 

The following things have bothered me today:

1.)    The overuse of LOL.  Do people not understand what that means?  It means laugh out loud.  Which further means that something has caused you to literally laugh audibly.  It does not signify the end of a sentence.  I.e. I just finished a sentence, LOL.  There is NOTHING funny about that… If I see people use this on facebook on something that isn’t funny, or can’t be misconstrued as funny, I hide them or delete them as friends. 

I need a vacation, LOL.   (you are now hidden)
I just ate lunch, LOL.   (you are now hidden)
I’m so tired, LOL   (you are deleted as a friend)
My dog is barking, LOL  (we were never friends, the only reason I accepted your friend request was because we went to the same high school and have 32 friends in common, but I don’t know who you are, goodbye)

I have decided to write out that I’m laughing.  “Man that was funny.  I laughed audibly.”  Yes, it takes away from the humor of the moment.  But outside of calling you and letting you hear me laugh, I don’t know what to do. 

2.)    Old men bother me.   I don’t know when the disconnect happens where you don’t care about social norms, but I don’t want to get that old.  Old men do things that are completely unacceptable but people let it go because they’re old.  I don’t like public bathrooms in general.  If I’m there, I don’t want to be there for long.  I’m like the navy seals of bathrooms.  I want to get in, handle business, and get out before anyone knows I was there.  I do NOT want to linger.  I do NOT want to have conversation.  If I walk in and see someone’s feet under the stall, I will leave and come back later.  I don’t care how many stalls there are.  If ONE stall is occupied, the whole bathroom is occupied as far as I’m concerned.  I WISH old men would do the same.  NOPE…  In the brief time I’m there, someone will come in and sit in the stall next to me and unleash hell.  DUDE…seriously… wait literally two minutes and you can have this WHOLE PLACE to yourself.  But now it’s all about you cause I clearly can’t go anymore.  And now I have to wait it out, which only makes this whole awkward situation worse.  And it sounds like you’re having to strain, which means this situation wasn’t based on necessity as much as it was you just WANTING to do this NOW…  Did you just get on your phone?!?  What the heck?!  BRO, there’s SOMEONE ELSE IN HERE, or did you not see the shoes in the stall next door???    I hate you.

They must teach this disregard for bathroom etiquette at the same place they teach the “naked single leg-hike” for locker room benches, as every old man seems to know this faux pas too.

3.)    The phrase “That’s NOTHING!  Normally, this phrase doesn’t bother me terribly.  But today….today I can’t take it.  Today my MPMS is acting up.  My nerves is bad…  I could tell a story about how I bought a painting of an old woman sitting in a chair reading a book.  Then tell of how I accidentally dropped the painting while loading it into my car and tore the canvas.  It was then that I realized behind the canvas was a copy of the United States Constitution and a map of where Jimmy Hoffa was buried.  Odd right??  Regardless, at the conclusion of my story, I will hear those heinous words shouted emphatically by the “one upper,” as he is called.  He will then tell a story which attempts to best my torn painting/ Constitution story.  “No kidding, you once found $20 in the parking lot of Wal-Mart?  That’s cool…And clearly better...”  Most times though, his story has NOTHING to do with what we were talking about and totally kills conversation.  

Females say they get bloated during this time.  I totally get that too. Mine is mainly because I’m an angry eater.  When I’m frustrated I eat everything I see.  The problem, albeit cyclical, is that somewhere in the midst of eating everything I see is that I get mad at myself for eating so much.   But again, I’m an angry eater.  This leads to me getting mad at myself and eating more. 

The best/worst decision I’ve made about “that time of the month” was to start keeping track of my co-workers cycles.  I would make a notation in my phone about the “crankiness” of my co-workers and see if it correlated roughly 28 days later.  When it did, I would make a little star and begin keeping track. 
(I’m a scientist, so I considered this an experiment)  

 Not surprisingly, the females at my work all seemed to hit the week at the same time.  “Sync-ing” is what they called this anomaly…  The men at the lab referred to it as “HELL WEEK.”  Some poor male co-worker would come stumbling in after being reamed by some females and wonder what just happened to him.  I then checked my phone and told him he shouldn’t take it personal… It’s “that time” for her.  You could see the panic and confusion leave his face…   My former manager heard that I had such a chart and asked if it could be shared with other men for the benefit of the lab.  There’s where it went wrong… Once the females found out such a chart existed, the gig was up.  We were all dead (Even though they were totally impressed on the accuracy of the chart).  I tried to convince them that this was advantageous to ALL, but it didn’t work.  What was funny is that EVERY FEMALE I’ve EVER MET has said “aww, you can’t even tell when I’m on mine… I don’t get moody like other girls.”   Oh really?  Lemme check my phone…. You are on the 11th this month, correct?  I would usually get replies like “How tha…?  I mean…, Paul, You’re such a JERK!” 

Hey, don’t mess with the science… 

Arg, for some reason I want a chocolate chip cookie.