It's been six months since my son was born. Some days have flown by, others (espescially those where he was screaming) seemed to last forever. I've learned a lot though. I will sum up my more important thoughts in my typical numerical format:
1.) Baby vomit tastes terrible. When you can finally find that thing that makes him giggle, you do it over and over again. Then tell your spouse to go get the video camera so we can get this on tape. Thank God we missed that window. I was playing that game where you "slightly" throw your child in the air, never REALLY letting go of him, saying "WEEE" while you do it. He was laughing hysterically. It was so much fun... Until he vomited. It was literally a scene out of the Exorcist. Where in the world did ALL THAT come from??? He hadn't eaten that much food to create THAT MUCH vomit. It came out like a stream of evil. I thought the next thing was for his head to spin on its axis. Being that I was in the middle of saying "WEEE," my mouth was wide open in a stupid looking smile (you can picture it). So when that happens what does a loving wife do? LAUGHS... LAUGHS until she cries while I'm screaming "Take him! NO take him NOW!" The only thing that made it tolerable was that he was still laughing. No but seriously, you can't get that smell off you. It's like herpes, once you get it on you, you can never get rid of it. (so I've heard).
2.) Baby poo defies physics. There are some diapers that are so easy you almost feel bad that THIS one was my turn to change. Then there are others where you think "how did that happen???" And you can easily tell the difference in the sound. If it sounds like a tire just blew out on the interstate on a rainy day...then you know you're in for a treat. Then when it's time to change him you peek with only one eye, hoping that what you see is not as bad as the sound. It usually is. You can generally tell this when you peel back the diaper to see what's there and immediately get "IT" on your fingers. I've also learned the phrase "Heather... I need help." Is the only phrase my wife CAN NOT understand. She literally can't hear it. I can scream it and she never even acknowledges I've spoken. I'm starting to question...
BUT, the fun thing to do is make a game of the explosions. My wife and I play a couple of games. One game we call "How did it get THERE?!" It's a game where you figure out what had to have happened for poo to get behind his ears, or under his arm pits. Best story wins. We also do a rorschac test on the splatter patterns. "Well Heather, what does THAT look like to YOU? Is it a butterfly or is it the face of Satan? Hmmm... tough choice."
3.) My wife has a buzzer in her head that goes off when I sit down. I can walk around for six hours, go outside and plow the field, give a filibuster before congress, wander aimlessly around the house for an hour looking for something, ANYTHING to do. But it's not until I FINALLY sit down and sigh in relief that Heather asks "Hey can you go get the (___) from the kitchen table?" Woman, I literally JUST sat down. You could have asked me ANY-TIME in the past few hours, but your buzzer went off when I sat down and NOW you need it?
Then she gives me that guilty "I have a baby in my lap" look and of course, I then have to get up. I see her innate "mother guilt trip" genes have kicked in. First it's go get me a bottle from the kitchen, then it's telling our son how he doesn't come home from college enough (with a slight, red-nose cry which causes him to say "Aww, don't cry mom, I'll come home next weekend...") I may have some residual anger towards the "mother guilt trip" genes...
4.) My mood is directly related to the amount of sleep I get. If I get a full night’s sleep, I'll pick up cookies for people at work. If I don't get enough sleep... EVERYTHING EVERYONE says is STUPID. I willingly admit I am irrationally judgmental towards people. "Hey Paul, a couple of us are going to grab a coke from the cafeteria, you want to come?" NO I don't want to go! I don't want to be around people who have a STUPID FACE! (again, I know it's beyond rational) But at the time, I feel like they are purposefully testing my patience. "Do I want a coke?" I SAY GOOD DAY!
I hope the next six months are as fun as the past six....
